“Can you forgive someone and still be hurt?”, is a common question I hear in counseling. We are naturally driven toward things that feel good and avoid things that don’t feel good. Therefore, we want the pain of an offense to go away. The real reason we wonder if we can forgive someone and still be hurt is that we are experiencing pain and are trying to figure out if it’s unforgiveness that is causing the pain to continue. Unfortunately, forgiveness doesn’t equal immediate pain relief, especially when dealing with a deep wound. Forgiving someone and still being hurt is much more complex than a simple formula.

can-you-forgive-someone-and-still-be-hurt

What is forgiveness?

Simply put, forgiveness is releasing someone from your punishment and entrusting the offense to God. As Christians, we receive forgiveness through the redeeming work of Christ’s death on the cross. Jesus paid the debt for our sins. In other words, He took the punishment we deserved- death (Romans 3:23). We are called to forgive as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32).

Keep in mind that forgiveness is a choice – and action we choose. Forgiveness is not a feeling or instant healing and pain relief.

Why is it hard to forgive someone who hurt you?

The pain caused by sin has a powerful impact on us as individuals. When we are deeply wounded, it’s natural to become angry at the person who caused to the pain.

Nobody wants to deal with emotional pain caused by the offense of another. However, everyone is faced with pain and the choice to forgive. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.

Forgiveness and Healing

There are a couple important things you need to know about forgiveness and healing. First, forgiveness and healing are not the same. Forgiveness is a choice to release the offender from our punishment and entrust it to God. It happens in a single moment. Healing is a journey that takes time and intention. Keep in mind though, forgiveness is the first step that kicks off the journey to healing.

Second, forgiveness is the foundation that healing can be built upon. If you are waiting to heal before you forgive, it will be hard to ever choose to forgive the offense. Imagine building a house. Before the walls, roof go on the foundation is poured. Forgiveness is the foundation that we build the house on. In other words- we must pour the foundation of forgiveness before the beautiful home (healing) can be built.

So how do we heal after forgiveness?

When the question, “Can you forgive someone and still be hurt?” comes up, I believe the real question is –“How do I heal?” There are several areas we can begin to take action on the journey toward healing. Notice I said, “take action” – there is a certain amount of intention we must exert in healing from past pain.

Processing Pain

There are 2 ways to process through emotional pain: verbal and written. Verbal processing is done with wise counsel – talking about the events, thoughts and feelings from your perspective. It isn’t productive to curse the person who hurt you (Matthew 5:44). Rather, process your perspective and experience. Choose someone who will speak life into the situation. Possibly a wise friend, a pastor or receive Christian counseling. Verbal processing simply brings the offense into the light.

Next, written processing. Research shows this is an incredibly powerful way to heal from past hurts. This works well alongside verbal processing. Wise counsel isn’t available 24/7 – writing things down brings complex thoughts and feelings into order.

It is important to end the journaling with positive takeaways. Without this component in your writing, it can be counterproductive. Get a free downloadable journaling guide with prompts to get you started.

Be Prayerful

Work through emotional pain and past hurts with God. He is ultimately our strength, refuge (Psalms 46:1-3), and healer (Jeremiah 30:17). Cast your burdens on Him (1 Peter 5:7).

Check out 5 purposes of pain here.

Change Your View

When I’ve experienced a deep hurt, my perspective gets quite narrowed to the offense and my pain. Doing so slows my healing as I turn over the event and the pain in my mind again and again. This is only one view of the event.

Consider that hurting people, hurt people. Often, people are doing the best they can with the few tools they have. They might not be equipped to do things differently – yet. This isn’t excusing or tolerating – just trying to gain understanding.

Give thought to the work God is doing in and through the situation. After all – He promises to use this hurt for your good and His glory (Romans 8:28). Every deep hurt I’ve experienced has strengthened me and prepared me to encourage others. That blessing only comes through God’s grace (2 Corinthians 12:9). Pulling positives out of negative situations brings healing. More importantly, it shifts my eyes from my pain upward toward God and His grace.

Can you forgive someone and still be hurt?

In a word – absolutely! Forgiveness is the foundation that must be laid in order to journey toward healing. When we forgive someone, instant healing doesn’t come (especially when the hurt causes deep emotional wounds).

Once forgiveness takes place, we can choose to be intentional in the healing process. We do this by processing verbally and in writing. Prayerfully bringing the offenses to the Most High. Choosing to broaden our view of the offense is vital component as well.

Don’t forget to sign up for an instant download of the forgiveness journaling prompts. It comes straight out of the forgiveness work book.

how to forgive someone and still be hurt

19 Comments

  1. Ann on May 26, 2020 at 7:25 pm

    This is so good. I like your perspective. Thank you!

    • Sunshyne on May 26, 2020 at 9:24 pm

      So glad it was helpful, Ann! Thank you for stopping by:)

  2. kenyetta Johnson on May 27, 2020 at 5:28 am

    I really enjoyed reading this. It was very helpful and encouraging.
    Thanks

    • Sunshyne on May 27, 2020 at 6:29 am

      Thanks, Kenyetta! I appreciate you taking the time to read and share your thought:)

      • Helen Vigil on October 22, 2020 at 8:55 am

        May 27 1955 is birth day. I am still healing from physical and mental abuse that happened to me. I still have a difficult time when painful action occurre from family and friends, and also a quart of a century relationship cohabitating with ,which I know is sinful. I now required to have my own bedroom, and I have always payed my share of rent. Thank you for your wise information so I can forgive and begin healing.

  3. Melissa on May 27, 2020 at 8:08 am

    Thank you for this. But what do you do when the person you wronged won’t forgive you?
    I don’t know how we can save and move our marriage forward if he won’t forgive.
    Any insights are welcome!

    • Sunshyne on May 27, 2020 at 8:58 am

      That’s a great question, Melissa. When something is outside my circle of control, I hand it over to God through prayer. Once you’ve done your part to ask for forgiveness and demonstrate heart change, it’s time to prayerfully wait. It also might be that trust needs to be rebuilt and forgiveness has already taken place. Praying for you!

      • Melissa on May 29, 2020 at 5:11 am

        Thank you!
        I feel that I have done all I can. I believe in my heart that God has forgiven me. I want true happiness for once in our marriage. If my prayers aren’t answered for peace and forgiveness in my marriage…..maybe it is God letting me know it is time to move on to another chapter. My heart is ready!

  4. Sally B on May 28, 2020 at 12:51 pm

    I appreciate this so much. It comes at a perfect time, as my husband has not been able to make sense of forgiving his brother, who has hurt him so much, and healing without having a relationship with him. He feels that because they just can’t have a relationship due to his brother’s destructiveness (never changing), then has he really forgiven him? Loving him, but not liking him.

  5. Victoria on May 31, 2020 at 11:35 am

    I’m so thankful I found your site. Your articles are helping me through a very difficult time.

    • Sunshyne Gray on June 2, 2020 at 2:32 pm

      Hi Victoria! Clarity on the topic of forgiveness brings so much into focus when it comes to relationships. I’m glad this article was helpful:) Praying for you right now!

  6. Efua on August 9, 2020 at 7:13 am

    What if this individual keeps hurting you every day. I mean every single day and you have to keep forgiving everyday while hurts keep piling up within you and tearing you down..Sometimes it seems they are clueless about how the things they do deeply hurt me. Sometimes I feel I’m been too sensitive but I can’t help it..Their actions really hurt me deep

    • Sunshyne Gray on August 11, 2020 at 6:17 pm

      Hi Efau, Without knowing the details, I would consider that maybe this is more of a boundaries issue. We have to speak the truth in love to those who are hurting us consistently, then set boundaries. Praying for you!

  7. Marilyn on September 8, 2020 at 12:11 pm

    Hey, I needed this today. I have found healing of the heart takes a lot longer then forgiveness. I do not do well with sharing and talking about the hurt but have always turned to journalling when the pain got unbearable, so I’m glad that’s a method of healing.

    • Sunshyne Gray on September 9, 2020 at 9:23 am

      Hi Marilyn, Yes! Journaling is a powerful tool-don’t forget to download the outline, it is an effective way to shift from the hurt to the growth.

  8. Crystal on September 9, 2020 at 4:03 pm

    Thank you so much! I just happened to come across your site while on Google, and your words and Christian perspective was exactly what I needed. I feel like I’ve been in a one-on-one counseling session. God bless you!

  9. Rebecca on November 22, 2020 at 6:01 am

    My mother took me hundreds of miles away from my husband to live with her against my will. I lost my marriage, lost my opportunity to have children, and I am still grieving. I became utterly disempowered. I now have some emotional relief keeping aloof from my mother, but I still want to escape further. The Bible says “What God has joined together, let man not separate”, “Honor your mother and father”, “Put your religion into practice by caring for your own family”. I pray that God will bless my mother and provide for her, yet all I want to do is escape from being anywhere near her. I am experiencing unfathomable grief, emotional pain, revulsion, aversion, fear. What does forgiveness look like? How does God want me to care for my mother? And how can I heal?

  10. sonwabo on November 23, 2020 at 5:38 am

    Yes very helpful thanks a lot

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