True Repentance vs. False Repentance

In this article, we are going to look at signs of true repentance vs. false repentance. It is vital to be able to discern the difference between the two. Understanding the difference will help us avoid a lot of unnecessary pain. 

I have to confess that I did not discern the difference in a significant relationship in my life. As a result, the amount of emotional pain I experienced was immeasurable. When this person said they were sorry, I simply took their word for it. And when their actions did not align with the apology, I chose to believe they were doing the best they could. The reality was, they were not truly repentant. In fact, they were faking repentance in order to avoid the consequences of their choices.

My lesson was learned…the hard way. The lack of discernment on my part didn’t just hurt me. It hurt the offender. They were not being held accountable for what they had done. Holding someone accountable for their actions (while sometimes painful) is often the most loving thing we can do. Accountability can be the very thing that moves them to the grace and forgiveness of God. A truly repentant person can make their relationship right with God (first and foremost) and right with others.

Biblical Repentance

Repentance is a deeply sincere change of heart and change of mind that involves turning away from sin and wrongdoing and turning towards God and righteousness. It goes beyond merely feeling remorse or a strong feeling of regret for one’s actions. True repentance includes a recognition of the nature of sin, a heartfelt sorrow for having offended God, a resolve to change one’s behavior, and an active effort to live according to God’s will. 

Repentance is a part of the Christian life. We are all going to fall short and deeply need the grace of God. One of the greatest blessings for believers is the indwelling Holy Spirit to convict our hearts when we sin. This isn’t done to condemn, rather it’s done to free us. According to God’s Word, when we feel the conviction and godly remorse over sin in our life, God’s help is readily available. God does not expect that we would turn from sin in our own strength. God’s promises include being our Helper and to complete a good work in His children reflects that He will enable us by the power of the Holy Spirit to repent. 

Key Aspects of Repentance

Conviction of Sin

John 16:8 – And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment.

In the Bible, conviction of sin is the work of the Holy Spirit that reveals to us the reality of our sinful state and our need for God’s forgiveness. It involves a deep awareness of one’s wrongdoing and a heartfelt recognition of the separation from God that sin causes. 

Godly Sorrow

2 Corinthians 7:9-10 – As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

Godly sorrow is a deep, heartfelt remorse for sin that aligns with God’s perspective on the gravity of wrongdoing. Unlike worldly sorrow, which is often rooted in regret over the consequences of sin, godly sorrow leads to genuine repentance and a commitment to change. 

Confession of Sin

1 John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Confession of sin is verbally acknowledging our sins before God (and sometimes to others) and taking full responsibility without making excuses or blaming others.

Turning Away from Sin & Toward God

James 4:7-8 – Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Turning away from sin is making a deliberate decision to abandon sinful behaviors and patterns and to avoid temptations that could lead back into sin. Additionally, it’s a conscious decision to align your heart with God’s best for you, seeking His ways, His forgiveness and relying on His strength.

Transformation and Renewal

The gift or ability to repent leads to a change of life. A repentant sinner is someone who experiences true transformation– first in salvation and then on an ongoing basis. Check out the following Bible verses about transformation and renewal…

Romans 12:2 – Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Ephesians 4:22-24 – To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Titus 3:5 – He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit.

Philippians 1:6 – And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Why would anyone remain unrepentant?

We are all at risk for the following reasons someone might remain stuck in a state of unrepentance. Awareness of this will help direct our prayers for others and even for our own Christian faith. We can ask God to help us let go of the old things and cling to the new. 

Hardness of Heart

A person may remain unrepentant due to a hardened heart, which resists the truth of God and His call to change. 

Hebrews 3:13 – But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.

Pride and Self-Righteousness

Pride can prevent us from acknowledging our need for repentance and forgiveness. 

Proverbs 16:18 – Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

Love of Sin

Some people remain unrepentant because they prefer their sinful life over righteousness. 

John 3:19 – And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.

Deception by Sin

Sin can deceive us into thinking we do not need to repent, blinding us to the harmful effects of our sin. 

Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Lack of Awareness or Conviction

Some of us may not repent because we are unaware of our sin or do not feel convicted by the Holy Spirit. Time with the Lord always helps with hearing His voice or the conviction of His Spirit.

Acts 17:30 – The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent.

Real Repentance Involves Humility

2 Chronicles 7:14 – If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

Humility is a crucial aspect of true repentance because it involves recognizing and admitting one’s faults with a sincere heart. True repentance requires us to set aside pride and defensiveness, acknowledging our wrongdoings and the need for change. Humility allows us to accept responsibility for our actions without shifting blame, and it opens the door to genuine transformation and reconciliation. 

Rend Your Hearts And Not Your Garments

Joel 2:12-13 – Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.” Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster.

To “rend your hearts and not your garments” is a biblical expression that signifies a call for genuine repentance. In the Bible, tearing one’s garments was a common outward expression of grief or distress. However, God, emphasizes that true repentance requires more than just external displays of sorrow. Rending the heart involves a deep, sincere change in one’s inner being—feeling genuine remorse and commitment to transformation. It signifies an authentic, heartfelt repentance that goes beyond mere outward appearances. In essence, the call to rend one’s heart rather than garments is a call for profound inner change and sincerity in repentance, highlighting that God values the condition of the heart over superficial gestures.

True Repentance Bears Fruit

Matthew 3:8 – Bear fruit in keeping with repentance.

Matthew 7:17-18 – So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit.

“Bear fruit in keeping with repentance” is a phrase found in the Bible, particularly in Matthew 3:8, where John the Baptist instructs people to demonstrate evidence of true repentance as evidenced by a corresponding change. This concept emphasizes that true repentance is not just about feeling remorseful but also about producing tangible evidence of change in one’s life. To “bear fruit” means true repentance is shown with actions that produce results or that reflect genuine transformation.

In the context of repentance, it signifies living out one’s repentance through consistent changes in behavior and attitude. This could involve correcting past wrongs, adopting new, righteous behaviors, or actively seeking to make amends with others. Essentially, the phrase emphasizes that authentic repentance will naturally lead to visible, practical expressions of change. It’s easy to profess repentance. However, one’s life should reflect the fruits of that repentance, demonstrating a sincere commitment to living according to God’s best for them.

Godly Sorrow vs. Worldly Sorrow

2 Corinthians 7:9-10 – As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

Godly sorrow and worldly sorrow are two distinct responses to wrongdoing that lead to different outcomes. As described in 2 Corinthians 7:10, godly sorrow is a deep, sincere remorse that arises from an understanding of how our actions offend God and disrupt our relationship with Him. It motivates us to seek genuine repentance and transformation, leading to salvation and a renewed commitment to align our lives with God’s will. This type of sorrow is characterized by a change of heart and behavior, reflecting a true desire to mend the broken relationship with God and to live a life of righteousness.

In contrast, worldly sorrow is more focused on the consequences of one’s actions rather than the moral or spiritual implications. It often arises from self-pity, regret over personal loss, or fear of punishment, rather than a genuine remorse for the wrongdoing itself. Worldly sorrow may lead to temporary changes or a desire to avoid immediate consequences, but it does not necessarily result in lasting transformation or reconciliation with God. This form of sorrow tends to be more self-centered, lacking the depth of repentance that seeks to restore and improve one’s spiritual state.

10 Characteristics of Fake or False Repentance

As mentioned in the opening of this article, false repentance or counterfeit repentance is a reality in this world. With the help of the Word of God, we can discern impenitent sinners and make wise decisions for our relationships. Check out some of the characteristics of false repentance…

Continued Justification- Justifying one’s actions or making excuses instead of acknowledging them as wrong can be a sign of insincere repentance. Genuine repentance involves accepting full responsibility for one’s behavior without excuses.

Surface-Level Apologies- Offering apologies that seem superficial or lack depth can indicate a lack of true repentance. Genuine repentance is accompanied by a heartfelt and profound sense of remorse. True repentance not only apologizes for the offense, but also apologizes for the impact of their choices. This means a willingness to listen and understand the pain that was caused by the offense.

Unchanged Behavior- Repeatedly engaging in the same sinful behavior or failing to make real changes in one’s life after expressing regret suggests that repentance is not genuine. True repentance leads to a transformation in behavior. See the Scriptures above about bearing good fruit.

Blaming Others- Shifting responsibility to others or external circumstances rather than owning up to one’s actions is a sign of insincerity. This is an important red flag to notice. 

Lack of Commitment to Change- Expressing a desire to change without taking concrete steps to improve can indicate that repentance is not sincere. When one is experiencing such sorrow over their sin, it will be followed by action.

Emotional Manipulation- Using guilt or emotional appeals to elicit forgiveness without a genuine change of heart is manipulation. True repentance is sincere and selfless, not a means to manipulate others.

Repeated Confession Without Change- Regularly confessing the same sins without making any effort to change course demonstrates a lack of true repentance. Genuine repentance results in progress and ongoing effort to change. Not perfection, but certainly effort.

Focus on Self-Interest- Prioritizing personal comfort or avoiding the consequences of one’s actions rather than seeking to make amends or restore relationships can indicate insincere repentance. Self interest looks like elevating their desires over what is best for the person they have hurt.

Resentment or Bitterness- Holding onto resentment or bitterness while claiming to be repentant reveals a lack of genuine remorse. Often, the resentment or bitterness reflects the irritation with the natural consequences of their choices.

Failure to Seek Forgiveness- Not seeking forgiveness from those who have been wronged or avoiding making amends reflects a lack of true repentance. True repentance includes efforts to repair relationships and seek forgiveness from others affected by one’s actions.

Recognizing these signs can help you assess the heart of the offender. Not only will this give you guidance on how to pray, but it is good information for you on how to move forward in the relationship. Without true repentance, you cannot have true reconciliation.

6 Dangers of False Repentance in Relationships

False or fake repentance in relationships poses several dangers, as it involves someone pretending to be remorseful or willing to change without genuine intent. It is impossible to reconcile the relationship or restore it if there is fake or false repentance. Here are some of the problems that come with fake or false repentance…

1.Erosion of Trust

When someone fakes repentance, they may temporarily appease the other person. However, over time, their unchanged behavior reveals the insincerity of their apology. This erodes trust, making it difficult for the relationship to recover and for genuine forgiveness and healing to occur.

2.Cycle of Hurt

Without true repentance, there is no real change in behavior. This can lead to a repeated cycle of hurt and betrayal. The offending party continues to cause harm because they haven’t sincerely committed to change. This ongoing cycle can cause deep emotional wounds and resentment in the relationship. The longer you head down this path in your relationship, the more healing work will need to be done.

3.Enabling Harmful Behavior

False repentance can enable the offender to continue their harmful behavior without consequences. The victim may be manipulated into believing that change is happening. This can lead them to remain in an unhealthy or even abusive situation.

4.Emotional Manipulation

Fake repentance often involves manipulating the emotions of the hurt or betrayed person. This creates false hope for change or healing that never truly materializes. Manipulation can lead to further emotional damage and confusion. This makes it harder for the victim to discern reality from deception. Manipulation is emotional abuse.

More on How to Deal with Manipulators Biblically.

5.Lack of Genuine Reconciliation

Genuine repentance is a prerequisite for true reconciliation and healing in a relationship. Without it, any attempts at reconciliation are superficial, lacking the depth and sincerity needed to address underlying issues. This prevents the relationship from moving forward in a healthy and meaningful way.

6.Spiritual Consequences

In a faith context, false repentance is not aligned with the biblical principles of confession, repentance, and transformation. It can lead both parties away from a relationship that honors God, perpetuating behaviors that are not in line with spiritual growth and genuine change.

Wrapping Up True Repentance vs. False Repentance

True repentance is marked by a deep sorrow for sin, a willingness to take full responsibility, and a genuine desire to change, regardless of the personal cost. Fake repentance, on the other hand, often involves superficial actions, manipulative behaviors, and a focus on self-preservation rather than genuine transformation and reconciliation with God and others. Being aware of these signs can help you discern true repentance from insincere apologies. The nature of true repentance involves actions, not just words. Pray for wisdom and discernment as you navigate hurts and betrayals in relationships.