Characteristics of a Hardened Heart {in Relationships}

In this article, I want to talk about hardened hearts. When you can discern a hardened heart from a soft heart, you gain so much clarity on how to respond in relationships. Hindsight is always 20/20, and that is my story. When I look back on one of the most destructive relationships in my life, I had so much false hope—I just didn’t know it. I thought I was extending grace, space for repentance, and unconditional love. Now, I can see that if I had understood what a hardened heart looks like, I would have responded differently.

God’s Word has so much to say about human hearts. It speaks of hearts that are soft and pliable, as well as the hardened heart that is calloused and rebellious. You might be wondering, “How on earth can I know what is going on in people’s hearts?” Great question! While only God can know everything about a soft heart or a hardened heart, we can gather some information through observation. That is exactly what I want for you—I want you to have some insight about heart posture.

When you listen to sermons and they teach on the heart, they are trying to reach your heart. Teachers intend for you to self-reflect on the posture of your heart—and that is good and right. I just want to add the additional layer that we can apply what we learn about hearts to honestly evaluate the condition of others’ hearts, so we can respond in the most loving way possible.

In my situation, I was offering grace, opportunity for repentance, and unconditional love to my own demise (and theirs). Had I known more about evaluating heart posture in this destructive relationship of mine, I would have leaned more on accountability. I would have stopped making excuses for the long-standing destructive patterns. There would have been an end to giving the benefit of the doubt much sooner. In my situation, that would have been the more loving thing—speaking the truth and allowing the natural consequences.

Are you ready to benefit from my hard-earned lessons? Let’s go…

The Power of the Heart According to the Bible

Proverbs 4:23 – Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Luke 6:45 – A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

The Greek word for heart (kardia) and the root meaning of the Hebrew word for heart (leb) are rich with depth and significance. Both are defined as the very center of spiritual, emotional, and physical life. The heart is described as the fountain and seat of our thoughts, passions, desires, appetites, affections, purposes, and endeavors. It is also the place where our understanding, intelligence, will, and character reside.

When we take in this definition, it becomes clear just how powerful the heart is in shaping our lives. Our hearts are like the control center of our being. They direct our thoughts, shape our desires, guide our decisions, and influence how we respond to the world around us. Everything we do—our actions, our choices, and the way we engage in relationships—is ultimately driven by the condition of our heart.

What Is a Hardened Heart?

The Bible describes a hardened heart as one that has become resistant to God’s truth and unresponsive to His voice. It is a spiritual condition marked by pride, rebellion, and a refusal to repent or be corrected. A hardened heart chooses self-will over God’s will and, over time, becomes calloused to conviction and compassion. Scripture gives examples of this—like Pharaoh in Exodus and the religious leaders in Jesus’ day—showing how a hardened heart leads to spiritual blindness, stubbornness, and destruction.

I do want to give a quick caveat. While the Bible more often describes “hardened hearts” as resistant to God’s truth, unresponsive and even rebellious, there are a few examples of hardened hearts that are simply lacking spiritual understanding, but are open to understanding. That is not the heart I am referring to in this article. You will see the difference- the hardened heart I am talking about is not open to understanding.

4 Truths About the Heart in the Bible

1. God Cares About Heart Posture

1 Samuel 16:7 – But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’

Heart posture refers to the inner attitude and disposition of a person’s heart toward God. It reflects our love for Him, our humility before Him, and our willingness to trust and obey Him. This isn’t about perfection—we all fall short of His perfect standard. But the posture of our heart reveals who or what we are truly devoted to.

The more surrendered a person is to God, the more it becomes evident in their outward actions. Someone who embodies love, trust, obedience, and humility will naturally reflect that love in how they treat others. Their words build up rather than tear down. Their actions align with truth rather than deception.

On the other hand, when a person’s actions are marked by pride, avoidance of accountability, deception, manipulation, antagonism, or a lack of empathy, those behaviors reveal a heart that is not aligned with God. This distinction is important to discern—it helps us recognize when someone’s heart posture is leading toward destruction rather than restoration.

While none of us are perfect and we all have hard days, it’s vital to recognize the difference between having a hard day and having a hard heart. One calls for grace and patience. The other calls for truth and boundaries.

2. The Soft Heart

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Romans 12:2 – Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

John 14:15 – If you love me, keep my commands.

Matthew 22:37 – Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’

Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

A softened heart is tender, receptive, and responsive to God, to others, and to truth. It remains open rather than hardened—willing to hear correction, receive guidance, and show care and concern for others. A soft heart is marked by humility and a teachable spirit. It welcomes conviction instead of resisting it. It is sensitive to the needs and feelings of others and looks to the interests of others. This kind of heart desires alignment with God’s will and responds to the truth of Scripture with obedience.

A soft heart doesn’t mean weakness—it’s strength under God’s guidance. It takes courage to remain open in a world that often rewards hardness. A soft heart allows God to shape, heal, and use a person for His purposes. This heart posture is vital to healthy and thriving relationships.

3. The Hardened Heart in Relationships

Jeremiah 7:24 – But they did not listen or pay attention; they were stiff-necked and did worse than their ancestors.

Mark 6:52 – For they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened.

Hebrews 3:8 – Do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness.

Ephesians 4:18 – They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.

A hard heart is resistant, closed off, and unresponsive—especially to God and often to the needs of others. It is the opposite of a soft heart and typically develops through pride, repeated sin, or a pattern of ignoring God’s conviction.

The characteristics of a hardened heart include stubbornness and an unwillingness to listen or to take responsibility. It shows up in a lack of empathy toward the needs, feelings, or struggles of others. A hardened heart often pursues selfish ambition—seeking to elevate one’s own desires or comfort, regardless of the damage done to others.

Selfish ambition is rooted in pride. It resists humility, refuses accountability, and prioritizes control over connection. When a heart hardens, it becomes its own authority instead of yielding to God’s.

A hard heart can lead to destructive patterns in relationships and spiritual life because it blocks God’s transforming work, prevents growth, and produces behavior that harms others. Over time, it numbs sensitivity to conviction.

4. Heart Posture Strengthens With Practice

Romans 1:28 – Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.

1 John 3:7-10 – Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him; and he cannot keep on sinning, because he has been born of God. By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

I recently decided to get back in the gym- and it has been such a struggle. My muscles have become so weak from a lack of strength training. However, I can report that with consistence, I am noticeably getting stronger. 

Our heart posture works the same way. When a heart is softened it is operating from humility and is open to correction, seeks the interests of others, serves, and reflects a genuine concern for others. The process of growing stronger in faith and Christlikeness is called sanctification. A humble heart is a vital ingredient to that process.

On the other hand, when a heart is hardened, it operates from a place of pride, resistive to correction, as well as seeking and serving self. It rejects God’s truth, His ways and His authority. Romans 1:28 indicates that this type of heart persists on this destructive path until God gives them over to a depraved mind. 

We all have free will- meaning we get to choose how to live our lives. When we practice living out God’s best for us, we will grow more and more in His likeness. Alternatively, when we choose to rebel against God and choose a destructive path, we will grow in that way. The old saying, practice makes perfect, applies here. This is a great spot to say- nobody is perfect- we all fall short of God’s perfect standard. The question is, when we fall short are we willing to course correct? Or, do we persist in patterns that reflect hardness of the heart.

The question is, when we fall short are we willing to course correct? Or, do we persist in patterns that reflect hardness of the heart.

When I work with people in my office and online who are navigating destructive relationships- I make sure they understand that hopeful changes take time to grow in strength. Someone who has been engaging in destructive patterns for a long time, will have much strength training to do in the other direction. God can change anything in a single moment- He is that powerful. However, Scripture indicates that growing in righteousness is done with a humble heart and in dependence on God day by day and moment by moment. Hardened hearts tend to struggle with this reality.

Examples of Hardened Hearts in Scripture

In the Bible, hardened hearts are often seen in those who resist God’s will—even in the face of clear evidence of His power. Pharaoh reflected a hardened heart when he refused to let Israel go, despite witnessing God’s plagues and miracles. King Nebuchadnezzar also displayed this posture of pride, boasting in his own glory and strength until God humbled him and stripped him of his kingdom.

We also see it in Cain, who murdered his own brother out of anger and jealousy. Scripture shows no sign of remorse or repentance in him after God sent him away. In the New Testament, the religious leaders of Jesus’ day refused correction and rejected the truth of Christ’s deity, even as He performed miracles before their eyes.

All of these examples reveal that hardened hearts are marked by pride, stubbornness, and resistance to God—and they always lead to destruction. The enemy works behind this kind of heart, seeking to destroy. A hardened heart resists the power of God and closes itself off to His transforming grace.

Causes Of A Hardened Heart

When I started to write this section, I had a list of possible causes. However, all of them trace back to one core issue—pride (and its close companion, entitlement). A hardened heart is rooted in pride: a belief that we don’t need the grace of God and a rejection of the truth of God.

This kind of heart refuses to acknowledge God’s authority or submit to God’s commands as a way of life. It persists in sin patterns without consistent evidence of repentance. Those with hardened hearts often remain unbothered by their sin while those in relationship with them suffer the consequences.

7 Signs of a Hardness of Heart in Destructive Relationships

1. Resistance To Take Accountability

This is one of the biggest red flags in a hardened heart. There is little to no willingness to accept responsibility for their own actions because they have an unrepentant heart. Instead there are excuses, justifications and blame shifting onto others. In my own destructive relationship, there were lots of apologies, but no real evidence of a repentant heart. I wanted to believe the words, the excuses, the blaming rather than look at the behavior-because of that false hope I talked about earlier. However, the truth was, I was faced with a hardened heart that wouldn’t take accountability. No amount of grace, forgiveness or love can change a heart persisting in sin. One day this truth hit me like a ton of bricks in Scripture…(Wicked refers to one who has rejected Gods authority and commands). This was a hard spiritual truth to receive.

Isaiah 26:10 – But when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness; even in a land of uprightness they go on doing evil and do not regard the majesty of the LORD.

2. Lack Of Empathy

Hardened hearts have a serious lack of empathy. Empathy is not only understanding why someone would feel the way they do, it’s feeling regard for their feelings. It includes seeing things from their perspective. Someone with a hardened heart truly struggles to feel concern and see things from another’s perspective. There will be a tendency to diminish or minimize feelings of another person.

3. Manipulation And Deception

Manipulation and deception are markers for a hardened heart, as well. Deception creates a way to hide sin, maintain control over situations and people. It’s an intentional choice to get their own way through a means that creates confusion. This type of heart manages their life with deception.

4. Self-Centered

Another red flag is elevating their self, their needs, their desires above the interests of others as a habit. Scripture tells us that when someone is operating from selfish ambition, every evil practice follows.

5. Persistent Anger And Hate

First, let me say that everyone feels anger and even hate when they have been betrayed until they work through the healing that must follow. The type of anger and hate in a hardened heart is without cause. This means, it exists for no justifiable reason at all. Maybe it exists because its being held accountable. Maybe it exists because it didn’t get its way. Or maybe it is because it feels entitled to something it does not have. In a destructive relationship, this can come up in a very overt type of way or it can be covert (hidden).

6. Patterns Of Destructive Behavior

There will always be patterns in a hardened heart. This is because a hardened heart doesn’t magically appear, it comes from practice over time. This is very different than having a hard day. Remember, a hard heart strengthens as it seeks itself and rejects God’s authority.

I want to share another hard truth here. There are people that profess to love Jesus and declare they have faith in Christ. If their actions are incongruent with that declaration- pay attention. Only God knows for certain whether or not someone has come to saving faith, but He does tell us we will have indicators based on the fruit they exhibit. Strong patterns of pride, deception, conflict, and lack of empathy are not fruits of the Spirit. There will be no significant or consistent patterns of real change or growth over time. 

7. Entitlement

When a destructive person believes themselves to be superior and adopts a “me first” attitude, chaos is inevitable. They view life and relationships through a lens of superiority, believing they are above accountability, above serving others, and even above caring for or considering others. This puffed-up arrogance convinces them they are justified in doing whatever it takes to get what they believe they deserve—whether that means creating conflict, fighting, or manipulating. Their actions have no regard for the harm they cause others.

How to Soften Hardened Hearts

This is going to feel like a jagged pill: you can’t change the heart of another person or their harmful behavior. That’s above your pay grade—and only the work of God can turn a hardened heart of stone into a heart of flesh. It’s the work of the Holy Spirit.

Often, we try to convince someone of the truth about the hardness of their heart by silencing ourselves, yelling, controlling, begging, or even people-pleasing. However, no matter how we try to convince them of the truth, hard hearts are not open to correction. At some point, we have to face reality about hardened hearts.

I finally came to the conclusion in my own destructive relationship that this person didn’t want to be corrected—didn’t want to live a life aligned with God’s best for them. The lack of accountability only enabled destruction. As frustrating or defeating as this realization may be, there is good news: God is ready and willing to transform hearts when someone chooses to be ready for that transformation.

In the meantime, exercise boundaries. Boundaries restore order and safety in relationships that are chaotic and unsafe. Pray that they will have their heart broken for what breaks His heart. Hold hardened hearts accountable—it is the most loving thing we can offer. And sometimes, it’s the hardest thing we can do.

Encouragement for Navigating Hardened Hearts

Mark 3:5 – He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored.

In this passage in Mark, Jesus feels anger and distress as he is dealing with the religious leaders and the hardness of their hearts. Hard hearts are incredibly difficult and destructive to navigate. Let this Scripture comfort you as you navigate the range of emotions you might be feeling as you navigate a relationship with a hardened heart.

Wrapping Up Hardened Hearts

Discerning between soft and hard hearts will empower you to know how to respond in relationships. It will help you prayerfully decide whether more grace or more accountability is needed. If this post helped you understand hardened hearts, share it with someone walking through a difficult relationship.