15 Self Reflection Questions for Couples

self reflection questions

Asking self reflection questions is the impetus for personal growth and transformation. Let’s outline what self reflection is, the purpose in self reflection questions and how to go about asking the hard questions.

What is Self Reflection?

Self reflection is meditation or serious thought about one’s character, actions and motives.

In other words we are asking ourselves the tough questions about the state of our hearts. We are examining our inner self rather than glossing over whatever is going on inside.

This practice is not for the fainthearted. Asking self reflection questions requires courage and bravery. It also takes trust in God. As we dig up the hidden things of our heart we can trust that it will not change God’s love for us. We can also trust God to walk through the findings with us, faithfully transforming our hearts. Do this with God.

There is Purpose in Self Reflection

Asking self reflection questions is where the transformation process begins. God does not intend to save our soul and leave us the way we are right now. In fact, He loves us too much to do that. We can’t change and grow in areas that are in need of refinement without awareness.

“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 1:6

One of the best parts of asking self reflection questions for couples is that it isn’t dependent on both parties. This means, the joy and peace that comes from transformation is between me and God (except for accountability-more on that later).

Now that we’ve firmed up what self reflection is and why asking the hard questions is important, let’s take a look at self reflection questions for couples.

“Self” is the keyword in self reflection. In marriage- focus on our spouse and their flaws distracts us from the work that needs to be done within us.

Keep in mind, God intends to use our spouse (and other relationships) to refine us. When our focus becomes our spouse’s flaws, we stop doing our own heart work.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~Romans 8:28 (emphasis is mine)

I have two children that are eager to point the finger at each other rather than take responsibility for their own actions. Often my response is the same, “I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about you.”

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” ~Matthew 7:3-5

Those very words echo in my head when I’m pointing to my husbands flaws instead of correcting my own flaws. Our time is best spent asking self reflection questions, opening the door for God’s refinement.

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How to Approach Self Reflection Questions

1.Be Prayerful

It is so important to be prayerful in this process. God intends to mold us into the image of His Son; So, why wouldn’t we seek Him in this process?

Pray for wisdom and discernment in this area, that the eyes of your heart would be opened.

Furthermore, pray for the courage to act on what you are learning about your character, actions and motives. Diving below the surface is scary territory without the light and love of Christ.

2.Take Your Time

I’m guilty of always being in a rush to get the lesson and move on. However, the time spent self reflecting is most fruitful when we don’t rush the process.

As layers are peeled back and awareness is deepened, give the Holy Spirit time to work in your heart.

3.Grasp Onto Grace

Again, asking self reflection questions can lead to conviction. However, God never convicts our hearts to shame us, but only to lovingly shape us into the image of His Son. All of this shaping is for our good (more abundance) and His glory.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9

Couples Self Reflection Challenge

So, I have to admit the heading is a bit deceiving. This particular marriage challenge starts with a party of one. You.

If your reading this because your marriage is in a tough season, then starting with a party of one is the perfect place to begin. It requires no compromising or negotiating. It only requires one willing heart…a brave heart.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10

#1 Self Reflection Questions

1. List specifically several things you have done to make your marriage a success.
2. What exactly do you expect from your marriage? Be very descriptive.
3. What are your goals for your marriage?
4. List several ways you have been at fault in your marriage. Give examples.
5. List several ways you can change to improve your marriage.

#2 Take Action

You’ve already done the hard (heart) part by asking the self reflection questions. Now is the time to take action. Knowing the character, actions and motives of your heart are not enough to move forward in change. Knowing must lead to doing.

Start this part of the challenge by reviewing the information collected through the self reflection questions. Next, decide where you want to start and make an actionable plan.

Figure out what you want to see change (this is the goal). Then, identify how you know the goal has been reached. In other words, what does success look like? Finally, write out a few actions to reach the goal.

I’m a firm believer- even a bad plan is better than no plan.

#3 Be Accountable

This is yet another brave step…share what you learned from the self reflection questions. This is where the couple part comes in. Share your finding with your spouse, along with your plan to work on that area.

If your marriage isn’t ready for this kind of vulnerability, then share with a trusted friend. Accountability keeps us in the race when we really want to quit.

Wrapping Up Self Reflection Questions

Reflecting on your own character, actions and motives is down right frightening, but worth every scary step.

Remember to be prayerful, patient and cling to the abundant grace of God the whole time. The 3 step challenge is asking self reflection questions, take action and be accountable to follow through.

As you embrace the vulnerability of self reflection, you will find greater intimacy; First, with God and second, in your marriage.

Got some self reflection questions to share? Leave a comment!

Could you use some help navigating the self reflection questions and taking action? Schedule just a couple sessions here to formulate a plan.

Free Christian Marriage Toolkit


  1. […] 15 Self Reflection Questions for Couples, Sunshyne Gray […]

  2. Carmen Benavidez on December 5, 2018 at 12:04 pm

    Love this! Your full description of what self reflection is and why it is intended to help us is right on! Sharing this!! I think this is a great resource!

    • Sunshyne on December 5, 2018 at 5:34 pm

      Thanks so much Carmen!

  3. Carmen Galloway on December 5, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    Love this! These are great questions i’d love to try 🙂

    • Sunshyne on December 5, 2018 at 5:35 pm

      Thank you for stopping by Carmen!

  4. […] Take heart, God purposes to use your spouse to refine you, making you more Christ like. Moreover, He is with you along the way, pouring out His love and grace for the journey. (Check out this article on self reflection questions for couples here.) […]

  5. Samuel Mogashoa on April 28, 2020 at 11:55 pm

    Good morning I would love to have this on my email I’m struggling with.

    • Sunshyne Gray on May 1, 2020 at 9:15 am

      Hi Samuel! The self reflection questions are available in the Marriage Toolkit-it’s free to sign up and it will be delivered to your inbox:) Hope that helps!

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